Thursday, June 11, 2015

THE VAULT OF HORRIBLE HORRORS: Bonnie and Clyde vs Dracula (2008)

THE PREMISE:
Bonnie and Clyde so random, terrible things along the country side. Meanwhile some dude in a hood randomly sets out to bring Dracula back to life. Somehow, after about 40 minutes of two completely unrelated but amazing ghetto stories, they meet up. And Dracula decides to terrorize them, and feast on them. Oh, and there's Annabelle, who is the best character in the history of ever, and star of "THE ANNABELLE SHOW".
 
HOW BAD IS IT?: Ummmm did you read the title? It is literally a movie about Bonnie and Clyde crossing paths with Dracula. And on top of not featuring any of their actual gang, the entire movie is literally an hour and thirty minutes of bad dialogue, absolute hilarity, and nonsense. And it's amazing.
 
NOTABLE FOR: Having either the best or the worst plot in the history of ever. Seriously, I haven't decided which yet. But I am pretty sure there were a lot of drugs involved in the making of this film. It's also notable for having very little to do with Dracula. And even better, being the only movie to feature a guy who wears a sack the entire movie for no reason whatsoever.
 
FUN LEVEL: Very Fun
 
RECOMMENDED VIEWING METHOD: Get a couple of friends in a chat room, or over to the house. And pull this modern day classic up on Youtube.
 
MINI-REVIEW:
 
What do you get when you cross the two most infamous bank robbers in history with Bram Stoker's Dracula? Apparently one of the best "bad" movies I've seen in recent years. You also apparently get about 40 minutes of an awful, completely inaccurate Bonnie and Clyde story followed by thirty minutes of Dracula even being a thing.
 
 By far the best thing about this movie is Annabelle:
Seriously, this movie should have been titled Annabelle: The Movie. Because her performance is by far the best thing I have ever seen. When she's not acting like a total fruit loop, her hobbies include slaying your favs and being the best thing in this movie. Seriously, can we get an Annabelle spin-off? Because she>>>>>>>>>>>>the entire movie that was actually called Annabelle.
 
Wait, I should be talking about the actual movie, right. Ummmm. It was literally so amazing that they spent the entire opening with two people that they made look like Bonnie and Clyde before actually showing the real thing. And me, nor the two people I watched it with knew they WEREN'T the real deal. So you can say that the effort put into this movie was STELLAR!
 
Also there is this guy with a sack over his head:
Sack Masked Jason Voorhees, is that you?
 
Who apparently decided to also change sacks for a dinner party. What the hell? What is under this sack? What is he hiding? To be honest, my guess is he genuinely just refused to show his face in this movie. And we don't blame you sack-man. We don't blame you.
 
Oh you want to know how Bonnie and Clyde were? Well, Bonnie was amazing. But I forgot Clyde existed about half-way through the movie, so more power to you if you're strong enough to remember him. But let's face it, if you're looking for a relevant interpretation of these two, go watch anything, and I do mean anything else.
 
So in short, this movie was the most ghetto of ghetto horror movies. And apparently it will soon be joined by 60s classics: "Jesse James meets The Daughter of Frankenstein" and "Billy The Kid vs Dracula". Because now that I discovered these exist, I am by no means not going to watch these horrible little gems.
 
SUGGESTED DRINKING GAME: Drink every time you wish Dracula would show up and eat someone already.

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